Christmas Eve Thoughts

Merlin is still under the weather but I hope he is improving. He is sleeping a lot without any yowling for attention,food, water, etc. The only barks today have been to ask to go out to the car and then after he came in, to go to bed. Now he is sleeping. He ate one piece of liverwurst with his pills and drank some water but no real appetite. It could be the antibiotic keeping his appetite down but the quietness is so out of character that it is pretty clear he still feels lousy.

The good thing about this is that it tells me he isn't barking because he doesn't feel good. He barks when he feels good, to get things. So while the barking is pretty annoying I don't think I need to worry about his well-being just because he is doing it.

The bad thing is that his being sick like this brings quality of life into question. Believe me., this is nothing new., quality of life is an issue that the owner of every dog with DM lives with most of the time. When is it time? Should we let him go now or treat this illness? A couple of years ago two owners of DM dogs both found out their dog also had lymphoma. Lymphoma can be treated and will go into remission sometimes but usually for a year, rarely more than that. One felt the quality of life with DM was too poor and let her dog go, the other opted for treatment and had another year of relatively good quality life,. though the DM of course proceeded. Who was right:? Both of them. Every owner has to make these decisions and believe me they are very hard.

My rule of thumb...what would I want? There was an episode of ER in season 13 in which Abby treats a former professor who is in the late stages of "human DM", i.e., ALS. They do flashbacks to earlier visits to the hospital, in all of which he wanted to fight whatever brought him in. In this final episode he is getting to where he would need to be intubated to continue breathing, which would compromise his ability to communicate via an electronic device. He opts for no treatment.

Thinking of Merlin, he can still communicate, even though he needs a lot of care and isn't very independent. He still- when he is well- enjoys car and stroller rides. He usually likes his food. So if what is bothering him now can be cleared up so that he feels good again, I'm all for doing it.

If he continues to get UTI's and keeps feeling crappy a majority of the time, though, my choice might be different.

There is also always the underlying, paired thoughts: if he is gone I'll be free of care taking him, and feeling guilty for thinking the former. I am reminded of the story of the great cellist Pablo Casals smashing his fingers when mountain climbing,and his first thought being , "I never have to play the cello again. " And his next thought was certainly, " I hope I can play again!"

The other thought is that maybe this illness will make the decision easier. Because without a sudden change in health, DM is insidious. Here you have an alert, aware, and often happy corgi, and you are expected to end his life at a time of your own choosing, with no definite indication that the time is right. In most illnesses, you know it is time. With DM that may not happen.

I know Merlin's time is limited, I don't know by how much, but my decision this week was based in part on not wanting to lose him right before
Christmas. I don't have a definite cut-off for him, it just depends on quality of life and his attitude. I want him to feel better and enjoy the time he has left.

RIght now we are hoping the antibiotics work and he is his noisy, barking self in a day or two.